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AOL Chat - 10/13/95

OnlineHost: From the radio bellows a wacky, Southern-tinged voice that almost seems to emanate from a cartoon character. The patter is colorful yet harmless, even inane. Then, without warning, it happens. THE GREASEMAN harkens back to his days in the courtroom as a hard-hitting defense attorney. With an ominous edge to his voice, the story is launched.
OnlineHost: "I was faced with my most brutal dilemma. A crooked client came to me with a briefcase loaded with TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS." He said, 'I'm charged with SECOND DEGREE MURDER. I want you to take this money and go to the jury to make sure they find me guilty of MANSLAUGHTER.' I said, 'My God, that's ILLEGAL!' He slid me another briefcase with TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS in it and said, 'This is for you.' What to do? I swallowed hard and went to the jury, passing out bundles of bills to sway their opinions. The day of judgment came and we sat at the defense table.
OnlineHost: The foreman stood and said, 'We find the defendant guilty of MANSLAUGHTER.' My client slapped me on the back. 'YOU DID IT!' he cried. 'It must have been tough!' You bet it was tough,' I said. "THEY WANTED TO ACQUIT YA!"
OnlineHost: "The Greaseman Show" -- at least according to Penthouse magazine (December, 1994) -- "is a cartoon for the ears, a fast-paced barrage of ad-libbed songs, stories and jokes." Syndicated nationally by Infinity Broadcasting, the show features the stand-alone talents of The Greaseman, a/k/a Doug Tracht, who broadcasts live (in most markets) from a small studio in Hollywood.
OnlineHost: As for the stories, Tracht explains, "The first time I said anything over the music was at the end of the 'SWAT' theme. It closes da-da-da-dum and then I said, 'Book 'em.' That was it. The next time I played a song, I added a little more, and before I knew it I was using the whole record to weave a tale." Some of his lengthy stories, which to his listeners might seem spontaneous, are the product of hours of library research.
OnlineHost: A skinny, 6'2" Doug Tracht is now a fervent body builder. He and his wife Anita reside in the Santa Monica mountains above Los Angeles. Please welcome The Greaseman!
GreaseShow: Fire away.
Question: I came to your studio over the summer and I saw the hats how many do you own.
GreaseShow: I have hats from police departments around the country must be 100s.
Question: Was your ex wife's name really Estelle? Sounds kind of old fashioned.
GreaseShow: Estelle came from an old fashioned family her dad had a wind-up vaccu-jack!
Question: Hey Grease, I used to listen to you on DC101. Where are you now?
GreaseShow: In DC I am on 106.7..In Baltimore 1300..WJFK
Question: Who were / are your role models ?
GreaseShow: Let me think...I have always admired Johnny Carson because in the time he was the host of The Tonite Show...he went through three divorces and you could never see it when you were watching him. I also have learned to hide my pain..and that's why I drink.
Question: What's a pocus?
GreaseShow: I don't know
Question: Grease are you out there, Do you still do the tow monster bit?
GreaseShow: Yes, we did one the other day.
Question: Do you have any ideas for your own TV show?
GreaseShow: Yes, we are working on several. It is to early to talk about it. I don't want to jinx it. I want to do something more than just what has already been on. I have had offers to do the "Oprah"-type thing..but it has been done to death!
Question: Grease -- the Stern show is getting real old. When will we see you replace his dead pan act?
GreaseShow: The Company makes those decisions. I just shriek and reek and worry about MY show.
Question: Ithaca College, 1968, Freshman Raio Ops, your lab partner was...this is your life Greaseman.. can you remember?
GreaseShow: Dave Schutz!
Question: I notice I'm hearing less Grease and more music in the morning, will this always be the case, or can we look forward to more grease.
GreaseShow: Here's the deal...we are playing a little more music, but the shrieking is JUST as intense. We're still trying to come up with the perfect formula. Bear with us..the hot stuff you love will always be here!
Question: What was your first on air job?
GreaseShow: My first job was in 1968 at WICB in Ithaca, New York.
Question: Greaseman, is your show live? or taped? a little of both?
GreaseShow: I do my show LIVE. The individual stations decide when to run it. We don't pre-tape any is all done during the four hours of broadcast..spontaneously!
Question: Grease, do you get a lot of mail thru your AOL account?
GreaseShow: Yeah, we get a lot of mail and some very zesty enclosures...and I have to read my mail with my "rtou" dropped and newspaper spread on the floor in front of saran wrap on the screen is always helpful!
Question: My friends think that the Grease is a sexist and a pervert. I tell them that he's not, but they JUST WON'T LISTEN!!! How can you defend this accusation?
GreaseShow: My wife is a woman, my mother is a woman, my sister is a woman..and they are all very proud of me. I don't "mean nothing". I think women are great and I try to treat them with respect...especially during a full-facial speckling!
Question: O.J guilty or not?
GreaseShow: Guilty as charged.
Question: Do you still do the hobble da gee?
GreaseShow: I have my same bag of tricks and ALL kinds of new stuff too! E-mail me any kind of bit you want to hear and I'll try to get it on for you.
Question: Grease I can't get out of bed in the morning till I hear your voice. Tell us are you a morning kind of man?
GreaseShow: I worked mornings for 20 years where I had to get out of bed at 3AM every day. So now I get to sleep a little later and it's like paradise. There's something to be said for having the time to "cut a slice" before you leave! If you got to sit in traffic at least sit there glistening like a glazed donut!
CSEmcee4: Oh dear! =:o
Question: I have heard Stern down you and your talent (which is unfair) why does there seem to be such a rivalry?
GreaseShow: I don't know. We always whine and complain about things we fear. Some people have a hard time being happy no matter how much success they have. It's sad.
Question: Now that Howard Stern has left Chicago [again], are there any plans to bring you to Chicago? signed - fan from DC101 days now in Chi-Town
GreaseShow: Call your Chicago station and nudge them to hire Johnny Avocado! (The Greaseman Show)
Question: Your humor has a definite intelligence. What kind of education do you have?
GreaseShow: I graduated from Ithaca College, Radio-TV Major. The thing that has led to my extensive vocabulary is all the book I read. I have been a voracious reader all my life.
Question: Why don't you want to have any children?
GreaseShow: To be honest....I'm afraid. What a responsibility! I've always been content with the peace and quiet around The Grease Palace. How can I get that after-dinner snarlin with Stinky and Sissie sitting there waiting for me to help with their homework!! Plus, I feel I don't have the patience to deal with rebellious teen years. Therefore, I will have a child when I turn 60., by the time of their first arrest..I'll be on-a-slab, and won't have to deal with it!
Question: Grease...ever have Cyber sex?
GreaseShow: No. I think very carefully about what I say. And I NEVER do something just to shock people. I do things because they are funny!
Question: Did you ever get OJ's phone number?
GreaseShow: No, but they are supposed to call me tomorrow. Hopefully, I won't get OJ off-the-can when I call!
Question: Grease, what are u taking to do your mila a minute show so effortlessly?
GreaseShow: The adrenaline that comes from doing live radio where millions of people can hear your success or failure at the push of a button, really fires me up!! Actually, I need something to calm me down more than pump me up.
Question: Still having Bone Dry's?
GreaseShow: Yes, indeed. But now I am having a love affair with single-malt scotch I am drinking Logavellen (sp) and damn it is schweeeeeeeeeeeeet...smoky actually! Throw in a cigar, and maybe some sweet scamper and you are talking' living'.
Question: Were you really a Village Person? Will you do a six minute workout?
Comment: The Grease in cyberspace -- schweeeet!! :)
GreaseShow: No I was NOT really a member of the Village People..I just walk funny because of all those horseback riding lessons! Tune in tomorrow for a six minute workout.
Question: Grease, I've been listening to you ever since you came on the air here in Atlanta. You da man! The only problem is that my fiancee doesn't like you. How can we change her mind?
GreaseShow: Tell mer MY jokes as though YOU thought of them. When she laughs a few times, then tell her that you are hearing them from ME, and maybe the two of you can enjoy me together. If that doesn't work...CANCEL THE WEDDING!! Sense of humor is more important than length of hydraulics or diameter of scamper!
Question: You once did an album under the Lard Gut label. Are you going to release any others?
GreaseShow: We are thinking about a video. Stand bye for full details!
Question: Could your listeners tell by your behavior, when you divorced Estelle (are you online ya pig ya!)?
CSEmcee4: I hope he was kidding about that pig comment!
GreaseShow: No they could not. Because like Johnny Carson, I choked back the agony. I found that once I ricocheted doo-dads off new chins, the pain subsided. Like my Daddy says, "Nothing cures a broken heart better than a good snarlin'"!
Question: Hey Grease! I am one of your loyal listeners ever since you were in DC. I was wondering if it was possible to get tapes of your best bits? Keep up the shriekery.
GreaseShow: At the moment, no. But when I am on vacation, you can tape a show for your own archives. There are a lot of collectors out there that you coudl probably hook-up with on-line...kind of like the Grateful Dead of the speckling set!
Question: Hey Grease. . . Where can I get an air check from you?
Comment: Hey Greaseman, this is Goldn Pup from Reston, VA., We miss you!! D.C. 101 is not the same since you left. Just want to say, love your show. Been a fervent listener ever since I stumbled onto it about a year ago.
GreaseShow: You can hear the show in NYC...92.3 K-ROCK, 94 WYSP in Philly, 106.7 FM in DC, 1300 AM in Baltimore (WJFK)...Z-93 in Atlanta and KLOS in L.A.. Thanks for the kind comments!
Question: Grease where are you right now? On the yacht maybe? In fudgemans hideout?
GreaseShow: I am taking a massive..laptop on the sink!
Question: Do you still have the Good Ship Grease?
GreaseShow: Yes, I do. The "Good Ship" is alive and well, burning fossil-fuel and belching carcinogens into the air. Greenpeace be damned!
Question: Will you be reprising your role as a biker thug anytime soon?
GreaseShow: Well...we are talking about numerous motion picture opps., but it is bad luck to talk about them before they happen. So stand bye for a big announcement.
Question: How many people do you have helping you with your show?
GreaseShow: I have two producers in-studio with me...Bill Scanlan and Joel Thatcher. I have interns in the studio each day. I also work with a good buddy for comedic material. And I have a couple of great music producers who work on ideas.
Question: Do you have a web page?
GreaseShow: Yes, but I don't know if it's fully functioning. You should be able to find it on you AOL Web Browser.
Question: Correct spellings, please, of "pootpootpoot" & "gnagna"?
GreaseShow: Correct spelling: "pfft-pfft-pfft" and "nyah-nyah". Those are pretty close anyway..what we use around here, when we need to write it out!
Question: Grease, what do you think about the fact that woman these days don't like to give snarlings?
GreaseShow: Not necessarily true! True!! You have to look for a "snarling unit"! There are many women that love to grip that meaty fuselage, and cup those proud doo-
CSEmcee4: I am blushing here, and I'm not even sure what a snarling IS. I'm not going to ask either! Maybe we should move on?
GreaseShow: Ads and gleefully receive a blast of baby-batter! Keep searching!
Question: Greaseman, how much show-prep do you do?
CSEmcee4: Whew!
GreaseShow: When you do a comedy show, it's almost like your whole existence is a comedy show. I'm always writing down ideas for bits, keeping on top of topicality and talking to funny friends for inspiration.
Question: Grease, How do you know so much Yiddish?
GreaseShow: I grew up in The Bronx and it was all around me, vibrant and alive. Yiddish is just so expressive and fun.
Question: Have you expanded your syndicated show since your last visit online?? (JAM DJ)
GreaseShow: BUT...they threw rocks at Beethoven until they could understand him.
Question: How do you decide what bit to do while on the phone with a caller?
GreaseShow: Sometimes, the callers inspire the bits. As I am speaking with them, I jot notes to the crew. Sound effects are gathered and at the end of the phone call...away we go!
Question: Greasey Man, what kind of hair gel do you use? Mike U.
GreaseShow: I don't use hair gel..I use PFFT, mixed with scamper leavins.. that's why I don't work outside..the flies would kill me!
Question: Grease....mighty 8 or lucky seven, which is it?
GreaseShow: Lucky seven..if you cound that little bend?
Question: I read your Penthouse article. would you let your wife pose? would she want to?
GreaseShow: Yes I would and I am very proud of her. I don't think SHE would want to, however. However, I wouldn't mind because I would know I was zapping it, while you were just wailing' to it!
CSEmcee4: Oh my! <fanning self>
Question: Wow! I am so glad I can talk to you online as well as on the you have any albums on the market?
GreaseShow: No albums on the market. Everything is sold for something new.
CSEmcee4: We are almost out of time, but lets take one more question from our audience.
Question: What's the toughest part of your job?
GreaseShow: Well, each day is a new battle because you have to keep it fresh. I have often envied singers because they can make a good album and just sing it for a year! I have to come up with a new show every day. And your brain hurts from "thinking funny" all-the-time. But that's the challenge and that's the satisfaction that comes from laying it on the line every day.
OnlineHost: All good things must end. We've run out of time for this event.
GreaseShow: Thanks for listening.....AMF!
OnlineHost: Our thanks to Doug Tracht, "The Greaseman" for stopping back to Center Stage. If you missed any of this entertaining session, stop back tomorrow for its edited transcript. Thank you for joining us and good night!